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User talk:Maximinus585
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Ouranyx Origin page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:32, May 3, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:34, May 3, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story Your story was not up to quality standards for the site. Punctuation errors: you mix-up hyphens and em dashes quite a lot. "wrong now- but", "eyes- whatever I had done- I had created life!", "tube- yet apparently". Hyphens are used to join words that directly impact each other and to indicate interruptions in dialogue while em dashes are more interchangeable with comas/semicolons to indicate a pause/deviation. “Dylan, come here, are you not proud? I disembodied them for you, they trapped you here, and made you do their bidding like a mindless slave. You, a mindless slave!(quotation marks missing) He laughed," Wording issues: "face, er, eye," Is this a spoken narrative or written account. If it is an account, that makes the inclusion of "er" seem out of place. Additionally ellipses are used to indicate pauses in dialogue, using it as a 'dramatic pause' comes off as gimmicky (especially when a comma or period serves the same purpose whereas an ellipses has melodramatic.) "Ouranyx started scathing (scratching, scathing means something different) and ripping", "savoring the iron(-)y (irony means something different) flavor of blood." Story issues: As someone who works in a lab themselves, the thought of the protagonist being able to take the 'glop' home and experiment on it is frankly ridiculous. Additionally why are they letting him directly test the prototype? ("I mixed some jellyfish enzyme with a systemic healing chemical for regeneration, to see if I could make a self-healing organ within the substance. I proceeded to add a bit of human DNA of a dying patient to it...") The protagonist is 20 years old, around a sophomore or junior in college, why are scientists who have studied for years giving control to someone who has no experience in the field? Story issues cont.: "As I reached for a buffer solution to deteriorate the substance (it reacted badly to acid)" Buffer solutions are actually neutral. They are called buffers as they don't significantly change pH when an acidic or basic solution is added to them. More explanation needs to be given on the name: "I had nicknamed the sylph (hypen missing) like creature Ouranyx." as there seems to be no connection between a sylph and that name. "I grabbed a golden mask from the back room, and offered it to him, which I put over his burning face." Why does this lab have golden masks lying around, for what purpose? The ending: "Too bad I’m scheduled to die tomorrow." If you are going to use this ending, there needs to be more explanation for his arrest, trial, and imprisonment (side note: typically patients in asylums are not put to death due to the insanity clause.) Finally this story comes off as an origin story, which would be alright if it didn't seem like the plot was merely a vehicle to introduce Ouranyx. I hope that answers your questions as to why your story was deleted. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:09, May 3, 2015 (UTC) :You can take the story to the writer's workshop for further assistance/feedback on what to improve and then once you get feedback and re-write it, you can make a deletion appeal. (Note: please do not make a deletion appeal without re-working the story or it will likely be denied.) Best of luck, EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:23, May 3, 2015 (UTC) Hello? Hello! Hello! I just wanted you to know that you have a really great potential, but you write atrociously, in my honest opinion. You should pay attention on English classes Anyways, thanks for the review, and you're my friend now, and I shall teach you. Would you mind reading my pastas? Sorry, but that message is meant for the older version of your pasta. RuckusQuantum 17:06, May 14, 2015 (UTC) :Haha, looks like this is going to be a tough business. I need to teach you some lessons. :RuckusQuantum 17:20, May 14, 2015 (UTC) Re: It depends on whether of not it's the same basic story (premise/plot/etc) If it is completely different, you don't need to make an appeal, but if it is, you have to. (Doing so without an appeal will result in its deletion.) As for telling another story first without background, it seems a bit off as the audience won't recognize the character/motivations of the OC. It can be done, but it might detract from your story. As stated before, post to the writer's workshop first to hammer out any issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:53, August 18, 2015 (UTC) :Best of luck to you. Let me know if you have any questions/concerns. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:11, August 18, 2015 (UTC) Re: The original page has already been removed and I believe you removed the WW thread, so I don't think there's anything here relating to that character which means that the story isn't visible to regular users. I'll give everything a once over, but I would recommend looking at other sites you may have uploaded it to in the meantime. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:59, August 1, 2016 (UTC)